It's Been Awhile

I really want to blog but I just keep not doing it.  I wonder why that is.  I can't seem to get some things done.

What I have been doing lately.

New Necklace.  Need to find the pictures of the rest I have been doing.  Most of them are in instagram

Fall / Autumn is upon us again.

I haven't been writing much at all this past year.  I cant remember if I really ever did write.  I have been not so busy these past months.  But, with fall coming on I will get back into the baking and cooking mood yet again.  Yesterday I made homemade scratch cinnamon applesauce from macintosh apples.  Then I made a huge (yes huge) batch of scratch 4 cheese mac and cheese.  Took some over to a friend of mine who just lost her mother the day before yesterday.  Took her some applesauce as well.

I picked her up and we went to lunch with some ladies we went to high school with.  Yes, we were high school and even junior high school.  We had a great time talking and reminiscing about our school years.

I have been busy making crocheted shawls, lapghans, and hats for a friends church group and have a huge bag full of tied fleece blankets made for the local animal shelter.  We have a no kill shelter here and as a matter of fact thats how we got our beagle.  My daughter was a foster for several dogs until she fostered Clifford our rescue beagle.  Everyone swears that Clifford sabotaghe day better ed his adoption appearances by howling and jumping up etc so that he could stay with us.  Well and thats just what happened last September my daughter formerly adopted him before we had to move.  He is a terrific dog and very amusing to have around.  If your down, clifford the beagle, will find a way to make you smile and brighten your day.

I am facing the second year anniversary of the passing of my husband of 30 years.  Halloween was the day he died and I make an effort to keep the day light and of course we usually have a bunch of cute kids in costumes to make the day better.  At least thats what I focus one.

I have enjoyed the new house (formerly my home I grew up in) very much.  Smaller and easier to clean, keep heated and cooled when necessary.  The huge front window lets in lots of light.  For instance right now the cats are laying in the sun in the living room in front of the window soaking up the sun.  Its a contented picture.

I was sitting outside for a while this morning soaking up my portion of the sun and realized that dew on the grass shown like little diamonds.  I suppose thats not new to most but I never really looked at it before probably to busy with family and working to really notice.  My grasses that I planted in the front are doing well too.  I have ornamental grasses all along the front of the house where bushes used to be I like it much better with the grasses instead of those dying bushes.

Tuesday (Warning Venting)

Went to the doctor yesterday and received some new meds for the depression and the pain of the arthritis.  Hopefully these meds allow me to sleep more than I do right now.  At best I get 4 hours interrupted sleep a night.  I'm tired of being tired and grumpy and in pain.

Heavy storms last night made my double shepherds hook bend right to the ground.  I will have to bury it with a shovel now to try and get it past he bent part.  Not sure if we can straight it out.  Its still gloomy out like it could storm some more.  I enjoyed listening to the storms last night love the thunder and rain sounds but it didn't help me sleep any.

I think my depression is back and refusing to go away.  Started 17 yrs ago when I lost my son Josh in a car accident now it is continuing from loosing Attila/Art, my house and my entire life as I knew it.  Very few friends if only one.  I cant do what the others due because of money issues.  Loosing all my savings and my retirement trying to take care of Attila/Art before his death and paying for his tremendous amount of medicine that he needed plus all the medical equipment.  I dont resent doing all that for him if only he would have survived.  I miss him daily and I wonder if that will ever get better.  Today i a weepy day for me down about medicine I cant afford, doctors I cant afford, treatments for the arthritis I cant afford.  Trying to loose weight to help my health and my arthritis is not going well as a matter of fact I have gained again since the pain is keeping me from doing things like walking, mowing the grass but I have been out doing some weeding as long as my back allows.

Going places and doing most things cost money in gas and fees to do things.  I have a stove payment now monthly since the old one quit working. That will take more money I also need to save up money for the garage roof as it is slowly disintegrating.  We will be picking up more of the roof today after the storms last night.  Cant go to work out due to gas prices and amount of gas I can use a month.  some of the constraints are really wearing on me.  Maybe that is adding to the depression, not sleeping, pain cycle im in not sure but possibly.

Started a new shawl but need wool yarn to finish another wheelchair shawl I have half made.  Made several shawls and several mandalas since I last wrote anything.  Reading books 3 or 4 a week as well.

What am I going to do with my life.  I am so tired of staring at this house, these walls etc.  Cant take a vacation as we have no money to spend to stay somewhere or even drive somewhere.  Yes I am unhappy but as aways this too shall pass I suppose.

Another Summer Begins..................

Here we are at the ceremonial  beginning of yet another summer.  My second summer alone and in a new place.  I have my herb garden somewhat planted.  I want to ad more seeds next week.  We had some great BBQ Ribs made in the oven slow baked in a low degree oven for almost 4 hours.  With some easy peasy baked beans made from cans of port and beans with coleslaw and macaroni salad.  Mom made some sweet potatoes but not as good as the ones we had at thanksgiving.    After we drove over to the Frosty Korner for some ice cream.  All and all I nice start to the summer.

I am still working on loosing weight, I have the fence for the dog pen and I need the posts after next week then I can begin to make the dog pen.

This new place is cooler than the old place.  Granted the living room heats up but it doesn't have any windows that open up.  Just the screen on the front door and the ceiling fan running.  I need to figure out how to fix the small window in that room to open it up so that we can have some air circulation to help cool it.  The bedrooms are lots cooler with more windows and this place is only one floor so no upstairs to heat up and it has a huge maple tree on the west side of it to help shield it from the hot sun.

Lots more yard than we had before so daughter has more mowing to do and trimming than we use to.  I wish I could mow but my back wont let me for very long.  I hate the pain in my left knee and back on a continuous basis the arthritis med isnt working anymore I'm in pain all the time but I don't know what my insurance which is cheaper and covers less will allow me to have.  This med is free no copays if I order it through their mail order but I have to take ibuprofen constantly with it.

I know its been awhile since I posted cant seem to find much to post about.  Lots of people have a life me not so much.

Changing, Listening, Leaving things behind

Time heals thats what everyone says.  Time has gone by and my strength has returned at times I thought I would never make it threw things that life kept throwing at me.  Loneliness, money, place to live, car problems (constant van issues) issues with A and his autism, but here I am still standing.  I am sure there is much more issues ahead of me that I will half to face.  At times my first thought is to run and hide get away from all the problems, issues, etc that plague my life but running will not help only facing them head on will allow me to continue on my way.

At times I feel that I have given an unfair load to carry and wonder why me.  Why was my life taken away and shaken up so drastically.  Why must I deal with all these hardships.  Why couldn't something good stop all of the misery that I have had to face.  Why Why Why.  So far I have not had any answers but I cannot stop and contemplate and I cannot keep asking why for whatever reason this is my life and I must do the best that I can with it.  

One thing I have learned that locking myself up in this house is not good for me.  I need people, friends, a life, not time to feel more sorry for myself now or ever.  I have been praying in my own fashion and I believe that it has been helping me somewhat.  Perhaps I have some part of me keeping me back in areas that I should not allow it to.  I know I have changed.

I have changed better for good or ill circumstances have changed me in ways I never thought I would have to deal with at least not at this young of age.  Sure you expect to loose parts of your family as you and they age but I was not ready for it this young.  I am trying to find a way to put it behind me and keep on going.  I have a lot of years ahead of me and I prefer it not to be lonely years and alone years.  I need more to my life than sequestering myself in this comfortable prison.  I have shadows following me and I feel them at times.  I long to see them other times but so far no.

I am packing away things i use to have an interest in during my 30 years of marriage.  I cannot seem to get back into the things I did then.  Perhaps its all wrapped up in the changing that is happening to me.  Perhaps I will never ever go back to those things again.  Change isn't always bad I am finding out its just different.  As we all grow we all change.  Two things are still with me and they have been throughout my life as a young child to now and they are my crocheting that I do and my love of photography.   I love art as well but cannot draw a lick.  I used cross stitching as an outlet for my art.  I made pictures with that but my heart is not in it any longer.  I use to love it and Attila love what I made as well perhaps thats why my desire for that craft is gone it was to wrapped up in my marriage.

Time to move on and learn new things make new or get reacquainted with old friends from before my years of companionship.  Find something that becomes a passion for me again.  Learn to look forward to the future and looks forward to maybe companionship once again.  Living along does not appeal to me so i am thankful for the kids but that alone is not enough for me now.  I have learned that much and I am sure that I have much much more to learn after all how can we grow and change if we stop learning.

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Victorian Motto Sampler Shoppe: Is it time for a Spring floss give-away? YES!!! 10 winners!

Victorian Motto Sampler Shoppe: Is it time for a Spring floss give-away? YES!!! 10 winners!

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My Personality Type: The Spontaneous Idealist

My Personality Type: The Spontaneous Idealist

382595f8c0e10e73fa65b5b7e46b8b18.jpg (600×900)

382595f8c0e10e73fa65b5b7e46b8b18.jpg (600×900)
Next afghan I am thinking of making.  It was in the background on the Breaking Amish Show on TLC last year or so.  I love the pattern.