Grand Haven Lighthouse

Grand Haven Lighthouse
sunset

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Today

 

And yesterday and the days before that.  I have been very unhappy these past days (weeks) (months).  Still out of work and only some failed interviews to show for my time.  I need something good to happen.  I need us to have some good luck for a change.  Over the past years, since March of 2008, things have been lousy.  I have lost two jobs and this is the longest I have been unemployed.  I have been off work now for 15 months as of next week.  I am beginning to give up hope that any job will appear.  What then?

Depression has been bad even with three antidepressants and this week is one of the really bad weeks.  Prior to my loosing my job in 2008, my daughter and I made the trip to Michigan International Speedway in June and August to see the races.  That now seems so long ago.  We had such fun being in the pits the closest you could get to a driver at that speedway.  We got to go on a tour one year through the garages and see the guys and cars close up prior to a practice session and even some of the drivers were there and nice to a ogling group of people.  I was so happy that year.  Now they come to MIS this coming weekend and again I am home.  No money for tickets, no money for pit passes, no money for souvenirs.  Most of all I miss the time I got to spend with my daughter and the passion that we both share for racing.  Most of the time we don’t get along well so a weekend of shared fun for us was rare except for race weekends.  Pictures, and autographs of the drivers we could get to sign our souvenir race books (more of a magazine really) by their pictures.  I doubt I will ever get to go back to MIS again.

My arthritis has been acting up and I have a useless right arm.  Its really hard to use it and yes I am right handed.  The pain I experience on a daily and nightly basis is getting old fast.  I broke the right elbow a year ago this month and its still not right.  I don’t have any insurance so nothing has been done to fix it.  I have ligament damage and tendon damage in that arm and elbow as well as a severe case of arthritis.  I have on knee replacement in my left knee and my right knee is really bad as well.  It should have been replaced some years ago but again no insurance.  I am tired of not sleeping at night I sleep from 10 or 11 pm roughly until about 2 to 3 am and then I have to get up the pain is bad.  I end up on the couch in the living room with the TV and if I’m lucky I doze on and off for a few hours.  I am so unhappy and what will it take to make me happy again.  It seems like forever I have been pretending to be fine when in truth I have been miserable.

I tried to win a make over for my kitchen from HGTV and of course I was not picked.  I found out you were suppose to upload a video and I just uploaded pictures.  No way for me to do a video. Again my luck go figure.  I have debated on writing this stuff up on the blog but then I realized hardly anyone reads it so it will be ok and a way for me to get some things off my chest so to speak.  My kitchen is a disaster area.  Mismatched cupboards no shelves in the bottom cupboards so things are just thrown in as the kids aren’t that careful with things.  My food processor got broke when someone threw something heavy in the cupboard on top of it.  There is not enough storage things are up on top of the fridge, on top of the upper cupboards and on the small counter space I have.  The wiring in this house is terrible and the kitchen is the worst.  Some day I wonder if we will have an electrical fire hopefully not.

Well the jewelry making is not going well either haven’t really been interested in making anything.  I have been stitching on a marginal basis.  It seems hard for me to get interested in doing anything.

Alex the 14 year old is very sick with a bad case of bronchitis that made his asthma flare up and he has been coughing so bad I feel sorry for him.  He has been to the doctor 3 times in the last 5 days to try and get this under control.  Yesterday he got a heavy duty antibiotic to   take and of course he isn’t eating much so the antibiotic is bothering his stomach.  He went to the Doc yesterday and has a follow up tomorrow.  Hopefully we will have good news that its getting better.  He has to see a pulmonary specialist as soon as his regular doc gets a referral for him.  It seems like whenever he gets a cold or something it becomes a upper respiratory thing and then goes into bronchitis and then there goes the asthma.  Poor kid and summer vacation just started.

Well that’s about all the ramblings I have for now.  Anyone who reads this take care of you and yours.