Dec 26, 2012

Ok Christmas is offically over and part of me is sad and the other part is glad. I didn't really enjoy Christmas this year. Maybe I was not meant to anymore. I have to find my way I didn't want to ruin if for the kids but it was very hard to act happy or like I cared.

I loved Christmas before and Art would help me decorate the house it was gorgeous we had stuff (decorations) greens and all kinds of pretty bobbles around the house. I hated the house after Christmas because it was always so plain and almost ugly with everything packed away for another year. We hardly decorated this year, we cant decorate with the greens anymore due to the dust issue on all the greens and grandsons asthma. So far all the precautions we took last year have paid off. He has not had one asthma attack this fall usually hes very sick before Christmas with some kind of related asthma cold or upper respiratory issue. But the house is so plain. Course I really haven't been in the Christmas spirit all month anyway. I am sick of being laid up with this break in my leg and I am not allowed to do much walking at all. Kinda of makes you depressed.

I must admit I am very lonely and long for the Christmas's past. With Art gone its just not the same. No one special to wish happy new years too or anything. I am lost and feeling so alone. No family to call this year and talk to us. Arts kids have completely ignored me and the kids. I know we are far apart and they have their friends, families, etc down there to keep them busy. With Art gone I guess that makes me no long family. I have no family except Mom here and the kids of course.

I so wish I would have had more kids. Lost my son when he was 19 and lost contact with this daughter years ago. No grandparents rights here in Michigan so I have just been left out entirely.. Sucks to be an only child as well.

I am ignoring New Years eve this year. Mom is coming over for Chinese food and then I plan on going to sleep early to avoid missing the midnight kiss and happy new year with they special person that is no longer here. I am starting a 6 week grieving course in Jan the ones i have tried so far haven't worked out for me. I was the only one attending. I want to be with others who have lost partners or spouses to expose myself to how they handle grief and everything that goes with loosing a spouse.