Grand Haven Lighthouse

Grand Haven Lighthouse

Monday, September 9, 2013

Family Where?

I feel so alone so isolated from people who use to be part of my family.  My moms brothers and sisters are not in contact with her but then again she has turned her back on them as well.  I have lost all contact with any of my cousins on both my dads side and my moms side of the family.  I have lost almost all contact with my husbands side of the family as well.

I am fighting for my way of life, for my home, for my sanity truth be told and I'm doing it all alone.  Even my mother is opposed to what I am doing and why.  Is it such a bad thing to want to have family?  Apparently it is.  I have tried to open the communication channels so often but have received nothing in return.  Oh I got a Christmas card or two from relatives but when Art died not one of them sent me a card or anything.  I did have some visitors for a brief time when he passed away but now with all the stress and problems I have faced since last October 31, 2012 I have faced them alone. 

I have felt beaten down so many times, I have done a lot of crying and soul searching since last October.  I wish I could say I feel stronger but some days yes and others not so much.  I face a long uphill battle to retain my home of  27 years and I thought that perhaps I was ready to walk away from it but i find that I am not.  For me I need to stay here and fight for what is mine, what was ours that is all that Attila (Art) would have expected of me.  He loved this house and I loved making this our home by the remodelings that we did, by the addition that we did and by the landscape he tried to do.  Yes tried, he wasn't much of a landscaper, but I have worked on it this summer when my back would let me in front of the house.  I plan on keep on working on it as long as I am here and I can. 

I have been beaten down my circumstances that is true.  I have wanted to quit so many times just give up but where would I go who would I turn to?  I do not have any answers for those questions.  But when push comes to shove I can't stop will that inner strength please surface so that I am not so weepy all the time.  I need to stand strong for everything that is and was dear to me.  I need help to maintain my sanity during this time and the past times of stress that I have faced.  Where do you turn when you have no where to turn?  Do you turn to the inner you, turn to the person you have become because of others in your life?

I WISH I KNEW THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!