Grand Haven Lighthouse

Grand Haven Lighthouse

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Changing, Listening, Leaving things behind

Time heals thats what everyone says.  Time has gone by and my strength has returned at times I thought I would never make it threw things that life kept throwing at me.  Loneliness, money, place to live, car problems (constant van issues) issues with A and his autism, but here I am still standing.  I am sure there is much more issues ahead of me that I will half to face.  At times my first thought is to run and hide get away from all the problems, issues, etc that plague my life but running will not help only facing them head on will allow me to continue on my way.

At times I feel that I have given an unfair load to carry and wonder why me.  Why was my life taken away and shaken up so drastically.  Why must I deal with all these hardships.  Why couldn't something good stop all of the misery that I have had to face.  Why Why Why.  So far I have not had any answers but I cannot stop and contemplate and I cannot keep asking why for whatever reason this is my life and I must do the best that I can with it.  

One thing I have learned that locking myself up in this house is not good for me.  I need people, friends, a life, not time to feel more sorry for myself now or ever.  I have been praying in my own fashion and I believe that it has been helping me somewhat.  Perhaps I have some part of me keeping me back in areas that I should not allow it to.  I know I have changed.

I have changed better for good or ill circumstances have changed me in ways I never thought I would have to deal with at least not at this young of age.  Sure you expect to loose parts of your family as you and they age but I was not ready for it this young.  I am trying to find a way to put it behind me and keep on going.  I have a lot of years ahead of me and I prefer it not to be lonely years and alone years.  I need more to my life than sequestering myself in this comfortable prison.  I have shadows following me and I feel them at times.  I long to see them other times but so far no.

I am packing away things i use to have an interest in during my 30 years of marriage.  I cannot seem to get back into the things I did then.  Perhaps its all wrapped up in the changing that is happening to me.  Perhaps I will never ever go back to those things again.  Change isn't always bad I am finding out its just different.  As we all grow we all change.  Two things are still with me and they have been throughout my life as a young child to now and they are my crocheting that I do and my love of photography.   I love art as well but cannot draw a lick.  I used cross stitching as an outlet for my art.  I made pictures with that but my heart is not in it any longer.  I use to love it and Attila love what I made as well perhaps thats why my desire for that craft is gone it was to wrapped up in my marriage.

Time to move on and learn new things make new or get reacquainted with old friends from before my years of companionship.  Find something that becomes a passion for me again.  Learn to look forward to the future and looks forward to maybe companionship once again.  Living along does not appeal to me so i am thankful for the kids but that alone is not enough for me now.  I have learned that much and I am sure that I have much much more to learn after all how can we grow and change if we stop learning.