Grand Haven Lighthouse

Grand Haven Lighthouse
sunset

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Tuesday (Warning Venting)

Went to the doctor yesterday and received some new meds for the depression and the pain of the arthritis.  Hopefully these meds allow me to sleep more than I do right now.  At best I get 4 hours interrupted sleep a night.  I'm tired of being tired and grumpy and in pain.

Heavy storms last night made my double shepherds hook bend right to the ground.  I will have to bury it with a shovel now to try and get it past he bent part.  Not sure if we can straight it out.  Its still gloomy out like it could storm some more.  I enjoyed listening to the storms last night love the thunder and rain sounds but it didn't help me sleep any.

I think my depression is back and refusing to go away.  Started 17 yrs ago when I lost my son Josh in a car accident now it is continuing from loosing Attila/Art, my house and my entire life as I knew it.  Very few friends if only one.  I cant do what the others due because of money issues.  Loosing all my savings and my retirement trying to take care of Attila/Art before his death and paying for his tremendous amount of medicine that he needed plus all the medical equipment.  I dont resent doing all that for him if only he would have survived.  I miss him daily and I wonder if that will ever get better.  Today i a weepy day for me down about medicine I cant afford, doctors I cant afford, treatments for the arthritis I cant afford.  Trying to loose weight to help my health and my arthritis is not going well as a matter of fact I have gained again since the pain is keeping me from doing things like walking, mowing the grass but I have been out doing some weeding as long as my back allows.

Going places and doing most things cost money in gas and fees to do things.  I have a stove payment now monthly since the old one quit working. That will take more money I also need to save up money for the garage roof as it is slowly disintegrating.  We will be picking up more of the roof today after the storms last night.  Cant go to work out due to gas prices and amount of gas I can use a month.  some of the constraints are really wearing on me.  Maybe that is adding to the depression, not sleeping, pain cycle im in not sure but possibly.

Started a new shawl but need wool yarn to finish another wheelchair shawl I have half made.  Made several shawls and several mandalas since I last wrote anything.  Reading books 3 or 4 a week as well.

What am I going to do with my life.  I am so tired of staring at this house, these walls etc.  Cant take a vacation as we have no money to spend to stay somewhere or even drive somewhere.  Yes I am unhappy but as aways this too shall pass I suppose.